I’m pissed, friends – maybe something’ll happen in the next few hours to change that – but for now I’m pissed. My heart center feels as if it’s on the verge of falling out or being ripped out. Whichever -I’m merely trying to understand why some people act and behave the way they do. Is it conscious willfulness? Is it pathology? Is it sheer weakness? The skyline of Enlightenment seems obscured, polluted by the fog of frustration. All of a sudden I wonder if there isn’t some evil fucker up there, manipulating my every move for his own twisted amusement. I never thought so before, but now I’m starting to wonder….or maybe I’m just rubbish when it comes to reading signals…or maybe people should stop sending me dodgy signals…what-the-fuck-ever! Why is it that what you put time, effort and love into, all of a sudden seems to come undone or catch a spoke in the wheels somewhere along the road? I know not what I do to earn myself this barrage of bullshit….It just all seems to be a fucking waste of time – at least that’s how I feel about things now and again. A nihilistic vision all of a sudden seems painfully appealing. Better, some would argue, to value – and therefore lose and feel – nothing, than to find yourself feeling taken for granted, at a loss and just plain irate when you’re let down in some way.
Fuck it…maybe this will pass…in the meantime I remain here, writing this – pissed!