I think I made some gains, as well as the obvious losses, from that incident on Saturday night…..
Firstly, I think I’m starting to get a handle on the technique of willed detachment (or vicious detachment as I like to call it); in the past it constituted the norm for me to emotionally overreact to any sign of provocation, to the point of sputtering and exploding into emotional incoherence and disarray; you can guess the advantages of such a reaction, I’m sure! These days, though by no means perfect in this regard, I cultivate a habit of thinking before I act, removing myself from any drama or crisis emotionally in order to get a better handle on how to handle things.
Take for example Saturday night; now, I certainly did make my indignation clear – hollering for the manager, pounding the doors to piss my friends at security off for the inconvenience – I managed to do this whilst retaining a healthy level of distance from the actual feeling itself – that is, I kept the anger from possessing me and dictating my actions. I notice that allowing emotion to deluge me tends to reduce effectiveness generally (not that I proved effective in my external goal, but I at least articulated what burned on my mind in a manner other than incoherent rage). Likewise, in the earlier incident which kicked the fiasco off – the interrupted phone convo – I refused to give way to my anger, keeping my attention focused on the call and ascertaining the whereabouts of my friend – ironic that I got barred for not doing something anyone with a brain would consider bar-worthy, huh?
All the same, as much as I may want to go back to the venue with an tyre iron and ritually pound the shit out of those responsible, I must say that I had a perverse kind of admiration for their stoic ruthlessness in upholding their (idiotic) conviction. With “thick faces and black hearts,” they made a decision which they thought (for want of a better word) worked to their favour and didn’t flinch on it. This trait, if nothing else, I admire in them, and I aim to be similarly ruthless in exacting redress for their undeniable show of cuntitude toward me……