Well, labias and jerkermen, looks like it’s happening! After a protracted *ahem* tug of war with the UK’s ISPs, the combined forces of Parliament, the Daily Mail, and the Mumsnet mafia will finally have their way with the nation’s internet porn access. In typical sanctimonious style, Prime Minister and Tory top dog David Cameron announced his triple-donged attack against the fibre-optic filth supposedly “corroding childhood” on this sceptred isle; as well as assigning search engine operators the “moral duty” of cracking down on kiddy porn, Cammy Boy made public his plans to ban “extreme pornography” and impose default porn filters on all the island’s ISPs, making it a requirement for lovers of skin flicks to “opt-in” for their vice of choice.
In short, pornoisseurs, if you wanna make any unregistered deposits in the wank bank, best get ‘em in before the new year!
Unsurprisingly, several prominent parties championed these changes. A cuntingent of campaigners embraced the decision to outlaw “extreme pornography”— particularly rape porn — with open legs; whilst the news of porn filters and kiddy porn crackdowns came as welcome as a pink strip on a pregnancy test for many of the broodmares in this nanny state nation, what with such measures supposedly shielding the professed purity of their precious pipsqueaks. Within and beyond those demographics, many fail to find anything untoward about such measures, wondering why the patrons of prurience work up such a froth over something so ostensibly beneficial.
Perhaps I’m prone to paranoia, but isn’t there something more than a bit dodgy about the idea of a porn “opt-in”? With all the crusades and tirades against this or that flavour of filth over the past few years, how will those who “opt in” fare against the Filthfinder Generals of the future? Will predators with a penchant for preteen pussy eventually share a Sex Offenders Register with blokes who just wanna watch birds suck off Bears?
Fans of rape porn certainly run the risk of ending up in such straits; bad news for lovers of hentai, who’ll have to encrypt or erase their copies of Rapebloke and Demon Tentacle Apocalypse 69 lest they get pitched into a pigwagon.
In his zeal to defend the honour of the ladies of this land, Cammy Boy could inadvertently end up sending a sizeable number of them to the slammer. Get caught flicking your bean to the coital “coercions” of James Deen? 120 days of Holloway for you, missy!
Of the three anti-porn measures, Cammy’s crusade against “child sex abuse images” will likely meet with the least opposition from the paedohysteric public. In typical MRDA style, I find myself wondering just how far this crusade will go, what with unfortunates in other Western nations busted for busting one out to paedomorphic porn stars. Let’s not forget the poor fucks who get done for downloading drawings; if shite like that can happen in New Zealand, I certainly won’t rule out such fuck-ups occurring here once this legislation kicks in.
All this because of yet another tabloid-driven paedocentric panic, the culprits in this case being the Daily Mail: a newsgroup of slimy, sanctimonious cunts who sermonise in the name of “society” whilst publishing pics of celebrity nip–slips to garner page hits. Perhaps they think a porn block will eliminate all that pesky, pesky competition eating up gigabytes of web space, bringing all the boys (and a few birds) to their yard in the process (though it’d be a laughing shame if they found themselves also filtered out of the “clean feed”, come 2014).
Still, as loathsome as I find the Daily Fail, their campaign would’ve fallen flaccid without lip service from friends in high places; in this instance, the stimulus is supplied by one Claire Perry, Conservative MP and Cammy Boy’s “Adviser on the Commercialisation and Sexualisation of Childhood”. This buttoned-down Boudicca, who pre-emptively christened herself “the Mary Whitehouse of the 2010s”, wishes to extend her matriarchal sphere of authority far beyond the walls of her three-child home. Prior to her appointment as childhood czar, Perry headed her own anti-porn campaign, hoping to impose her style of prohibitively panoptic parenting on Britain’s ISPs. It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if that, plus her political pull, made a national porn-policing policy especially attractive to her lord and master.
All that on top as his shortcomings as a father: on the weekend preceding his decisive dictates, Cammy all but admitted feeling overwhelmed by the petabytes of prurience awaiting his kids online. Perry’s proposition likely struck him as something of a silver bullet for this parental peril.
Might as well sound off and sit back, Cam — CPs got this on (child) lock!
A sentiment shared by that depressing demographic I call the Mumsnet mob, who, as ever, seem more than happy to dump their crotchlings onto the laps of both the state and the childfree. Going by many of their comments, that horde of harridans relish the prospect of Cammy and Perry playing proxy parents, seeing as it saves them the bother of fulfilling the role. Whilst they nag naysayers like me to “think of the children”, they don’t seem terribly interested in doing so themselves. I’m sure it takes less time to read a K9 Web Protection set-up guide than it does an issue of fucking Pick Me Up!, yet the silly sows choose to wallow in the slurry of ignorance, expecting external parties to fill their troughs.
No doubt, the fall of sense to sentiment contributed to them getting knocked up in the first place. Perhaps if someone had paid those lazy breeders to get their tubes tied, I wouldn’t be sat scribing this now.
Then again, perhaps I’ve sold them short in regard to self-awareness, accused them of hypocrisy wrongly; perhaps they and their inadequacies are intimately acquainted, and when they make their paedocentric pleas, their concern lies much closer to home than their crotch spawn. They have all the indicators: obliviousness, emotionalism, irresponsibility, a marked dependence on declared authority figures for neurological nourishment…
Stated simply — the phrase “kids having kids” never sounded so apt.
All that said, the fight against the Filthfinder Generals may not be an utterly hopeless one. Already, a rebel ISP has declared it will not comply with Cammy’s calls for cyberspace conformity, offering an unfiltered feed for all would-be customers. Spirited resistance also comes in the form of services such as Darknet Gateway and Immunicity, helping folk circumvent “clean feeds” and filters for a less restricted web experience; and let’s not forget contra-censorship groups like the Internet Defence League, who oppose all instances of governmental net-nannying on principle.
Mind you, all that could be surplus to requirements, what with Porno Perry having next-to-no-idea how to handle a fucking site hack.
Claire Perry, the MP behind the porn blocking plans announced by the Prime Minister this week, has been left red-faced after hackers defaced her website with references to porn.
Perry went on to claim over Twitter that notable blogger Guido Fawkes had sponsored the attack, having already confused a screenshot posted by Fawkes with a direct link to her site.
–Tech Week Europe: July 24th, 2013
Coupled with Cammy’s own cluelessness, Perry’s perplexity gives me the impression that her and her master’s plans to control cyberspace may not play out as smoothly as they wish. If the Mumsnet mob reinforce my longstanding thought that censorship is de facto idiocracy, the Claire ‘n’ Dave double act seems to be working overtime to make it a de jure affair!
Maybe, instead of trying to police the fibre-optic fappage of others, those two amateur porn czars (and their advocates) would do well to go fuck themselves.